2005-01-15 - 1:29 p.m.
The people that we associate with have such an influence over our feelings of self worth don't they? As I listen to Supermans Dead by Our Lady Peace, I can't help but think back to highschool and the fustrations that I felt there. What was good enough to impress my peers? How would I prove to them that I was at least their equal? There at the bottom of the totem pole I watched them play thier games and rise and fall in rank, and I envied them. I was supposedly a strong person, at least that is what my family told me, but it didn't take a lot to bring that crashing down around me. I was such a poetic brat too...
Next is an obscure song by a band called Muse, the song is "Uno" and is one of those "It's your loss" type of break up songs. This is the theme song to each and everyone of my break-ups. I get hot under the collar just thinking of how many men I have given my heart to. I may speak defiantly but all it really takes is someone to notice how much I am wrapped up in them and then I am a goner. It first became my favorite break-up song with Baylum. Quite honestly I never knew anything about the boy except his name, but I was in love with him. He on the other hand couldn't find the time to realize what he had, instead taking the time to participate in anticts with the woman he would leave me for and eventually marry. I became more disgusted when years after he decided to fall off the face of the earth he decided to appear again with his disgusting ways. He means nothing to me now, he is not even a friend. It's funny that I would rather talk to Shaun these days than have anything to do with Rick, for years after Rick left me I wondered why, what did I do to push him away? Now I realize that I was nothing to him except a toy. He sets me aside and expects me to be the same when he appears again.
Sorry I am in a bad mood in regards to exes today, there really isn't a reason, I just feel like regressing to those feelings of anger.
I used to cry a lot when boys would break my heart, now I get angry and want to curb stomp them. I want to dig my nails into thier eyes and dig them in deep. Like a freak..."Freak on a Leash" by Korn is now playing.
I think my anger towards my exes comes from the inattentive trio. Rick, Jake and Aaron. All of them were consumed with me until the next girl came along, then I didn't own a moment of their time. This wouldn't have bothered me so much except for the fact that they wanted to be friends, and I was going through the toughest parts of my life. Rick dissappeared until the weekend AFTER I got out of the mental hospital(5 years), Jake pawned me off on Aaron, and Aaron couldn't find the time to comfort me while my grandmother was dying. So there is a lot of pent up anger when it comes to them... Hmm this may need yet a third part to it.
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