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My Wymyn Character Quiz - 2005-04-03
Angry about my Past - 2005-03-28
I don't wanna jump! - 2005-03-27
Thoughts about Home - 2005-01-25
Songs from My Past Part 2 - 2005-01-15

2005-03-28 - 9:29 p.m.

I figure I should write about my feelings or some crap that everyone else gets around to in thier variations of web logs.
I am still not over the loss of my grandmother. Not a whole lot of people understand this concept. I will be on the verge of tears for a very longs time. Thank you Mrs. Neumann and six and a half years of theatre I can hold back my emotional inclinations rather well. So I don't cry. Not in public, no matter how much it stings.
What is bothering me?

My grandmother was loving and a lot of that love was sent my way. It's one thing to lose a family member but it's hell losing one that really loves you.
My grandmother was supposed to go to England with me, or rather she was going to visit me there. I was so excited about this because I wanted to be able to bring her to Europe again so we could see more of it than we already had. She took me to Germany when I was twelve.

I am dealing with much more than the loss of my travel buddy though.
I have lost much more. I lost a lot when I hit puberty.

My grandfather has what the family calls "wandering hands," I was one of the kids who had hands wandered over. I told my mother and her responce was that I shouldn't go over there as much then. For YEARS I stopped visiting my grandmother except for maybe once a month. She was my next door neighbor for sixteen years of my life and as a child I spent every morning and lunch with her. As a teenager when I really needed her the most I found myself avoiding the place because of my fucking grandfather. I am supposed to forgive him though. I have to. It's really hard though, the fucking bastard did it again the day they put my grandmother in the ground. This time to my third cousin... The whole thing makes me angry and it's not something I can talk about to people. The lawyers told me not to, actually the way the whole family treats my trauma is like I made it up to be like my older cousin who was the first victim to my grandfather's "wandering hands."

I am angry that I missed out on time with my grandmother because of a perverted old man.

I want to tell Marc about this, but I don't know how. How do you bring that up? How do you tell the man you love about childhood atrocities?

Ugh.

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