2005-01-05 - 8:18 p.m.
I hate the internet some times.
Okay so I'm back, I am not going to talk about all that has happened to me in the past few months because it does not make for interesting reading and it only makes me feel sad angry and helpless all at once, so I am currently trying to block all memories from September till now.
So instead I will regress to the music ofmy youth and the feelings that they dig up.
First off is "Bitch" by Merideth Brooks, the theme song for all women between the ages of ten and fourty-five when it came out. This was our declaration! We are more than a one dimentional template of femininity. We have many roles! We were not afraid to be called bitches anymore, we knew the rest of the melody and we were proud of it. At the time I was dealing with my own personality crisis as my aunt had just told me that I should be more like Erika, and it seemed to be the general family consensus that Erika was the good child and I was the one who was going to have problems. I was rebellious, I fought trends, I wanted to be an actress, a writer and maybe even a musician. I wanted the whole world to stand and take notice of me, but I couldn't even get my family to give me a second thought on the holidays. While Erika would get gifts that suited her tastes in fashion I was given gifts that suited Erika's current state of fashion. I hated it. I wanted to be a somebody and all I could achieve was a mention to change. More than one person has stated that me joining the military was me running away from something.
They were wrong of course.
I was running away from several things, my family was just one of them.
Next on my hit >>ahem<< PLAY list, is "Mother Mother" by Tracy Bonham.
My first year in the Air Force really wore this song out for me, I played it so often.
After years of being a persistant nothing, I was given the chance to be all the things I wasn't alowed to be while living in my tiny hometown. I was a drunk, I had lots of sex, I hated who I was, and finally I snapped and spent a week in a mental hospital.
Which brings me to the next pop song "Last Resort" by Papa Roach.
Unless you have been crazy you really can't fathom what it's like. Not only are you helpless against others, your brain has become your worst enemy as you slip every day. The thing about slipping is that you can't slip more than once unless you are trying to pick yourself up to begin with. And then there you are trying to get better and only making things worse. Teenagers can write about being crazy, but until they are sitting on a hospital bed looking at their feet and suddenly realize that a nurse wearing pink took away her shoelaces, they have no idea what crazy is...
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